Christmas Day Part One-Second Chances

My medication has worn off and I am waking up in my girlfriend’s arms.

It is Christmas Morning and she is sleeping with her head on my chest.

I give her a gentle kiss and then just lay there.

She is slowly waking up as well and she pecks me on the cheek.

“Merry Christmas, baby!” I whisper to her.

She smiles from ear to ear and replies, “Merry Christmas,” Then puts her glasses on.

I hug her tightly. She moans and coos with happiness.

We exchange several kisses but then she says, “Okay, I have to potty now-my bladder is full and I’m about to burst!”

I let go and she walks to the bathroom.

I wait for her on the convertible sofa.

I then hear the toilet flush and the sink turn on and off.

She steps out and kisses me as she playfully says, “Did you miss me?”

I simply blush and nod. Then I kiss her in return. She hugs me and buries her face in my chest.

“Now I have to go as well!” I tell her.

“The bathroom is all yours!” She replies.

I enter the bathroom then relieve my bladder. Then I flush the toilet and wash my hands.

She is putting away the bed of the convertible sofa as I exit the bathroom.

After she is done, she motions for me to sit on the sofa with her.

We sit close to each other holding hands and looking at the Christmas tree.

“I wish I knew you existed sooner because I would have bought you a gift for Christmas,” She tells me.

“Just give me your faith, your loyalty and your affections!”

“Oh, as far as I can see you will always have those!”

“I too wish we would have met much sooner, though.”

“Yes, but we have each other now!”

“If you will always be this sweet, I can honestly say that you were worth the wait!”

“Aww. Thank you!” She says then kisses me.

I begin to play with her long reddish blonde hair, to which she giggles.

She pulls my face into her breasts, which turns me on immensely.

I begin to kiss her breasts and she then says, “If we go any further, it will be a sin.”

“You’re right. I don’t want to commit that sin because then God might punish us and cause us to split up.”

“I don’t ever want that, because you seem so perfect for me.”

“And I would rather have you by my side forever and not sin instead of having a few fleeting moments of pleasure with you and then lose you!”

“Just hearing you say those words makes me want you even more though!”

“We need to pray for an escape route. If it didn’t offend God so much, I would indeed make love to you!”

“Ditto!”

One of the room mates comes walking out of her room and asks my girlfriend, “Could you make us all some coffee?”

“Will do.”

The room mate then asks me, “We buy a coffee and chicory blend that is really famous in this city. Would you like to try some?”

“Sure,” I tell her.

“Boil some milk too!” She tells my girlfriend.

“I’ll help,” I interject.

My girlfriend gets two sauce pans and a French press coffee maker out of the cabinets.

She then tells me, “Draw some water into one of the sauce pans and pour some milk in the other.”

“Will do!” I tell her.

I turn on the kitchen tap and draw some water in the pot then I get a gallon of milk from the refrigerator and pour some milk into the other.

My girlfriend then hands me a box of matches and says, “You’ll need these to start the stove burners.”

“Okay. I think my stove is like that too. Of course this house reminds me a lot of my house.”

“I’d like to see your house if that’s all right.”

“Sure. I’d be honored for you to be my guest!”

My girlfriend coos again then kisses me.

I light the stove and put the water on a high fire and the milk on a low fire.

My girlfriend pours the coffee bean and chicory root grinds into the French press.

We stand in the kitchen, waiting for the water and milk to boil. It’s quite cold, so we cling to each other for warmth.

I gently rub her love handles and she rubs my buttocks.

We sweetly stare into each others’ eyes, lost in time.

Finally, the water is at a rolling boil and the milk is warm enough.

The other room mate is waking up.

“Could you make us all some French Toast?” She asks.

“Sure.” She pauses, then looks at me and says, “Pour the boiling water into the top of the coffee maker and lower the milk to the lowest setting possible.”

I pour the boiling water and am greeted with an amazing aroma of the coffee and chicory brewing.

“Could you go to the Lazy Susan and get some nutmeg and vanilla extract?”

“Sure thing, baby!” I tell her.

While I find those, she is getting a big bowl from the cabinets and beating some eggs in it. I had her the vanilla and nutmeg, to which she pours it into the mixture.

“One more thing, get me a cup of sugar, baby.”

“I’m on it.” I tell her.

I get some measuring spoons and pour a cup of sugar into the mixture.

She mixes it all together, then takes the old loaf of sliced bread and dunks every piece into the mixture.

Afterwards, she takes a couple pats of butter and drops them in a skillet.

She lights the middle burner of the stove and the butter melts.

Once the melted butter is sizzling, she begins to cook the pieces of bread.

Finally they are all done.

She places the French Toast on a platter.

We all sit at the table and one of the room mates says grace.

My girlfriend takes a ladle and scoops some of the hot milk into the four coffee mugs, then she pours the coffee and chicory brew into the cups.

We all serve ourselves some French Toast.

As I eat, I say, “This is amazing.”

One room mate says, “You’ve got a good woman on your hands so you need to treat her right,”

“He does,” My girlfriend says.

The other room mate adds in, “Yes he does. I heard him say how he wants her by his side forever instead of just for a few fleeting moments of pleasure. Guys like that are very rare!”

I blush and smile from ear to ear.

The first room mate says, “That’s very sweet!” She then looks at my girlfriend and says, “You have a good man, so treat him right as well!”

My girlfriend and I share a sweet kiss then go back to eating.

One of the room mates ask me, “How’s the coffee?”

“It’s awesome!” I tell her, “Never had anything like it before.”

“Well, get used to it if you’re going to live in our city!”

“I do like it here, I must admit. I knew it would be a safe haven for those with my illness but I didn’t think I would do this well!”

“You’re blessed-remember that!” My girlfriend tells me.

One room mate then says, “Why don’t y’all walk around the neighborhood and have fun together. We’re going visit our family.”

“You would show me your house!” My girlfriend says.

“Okay. I’ll do that.”

“Just remember to always be good to each other,” The other room mate says.

My girlfriend clears the table and we wash the dishes.

Then her room mates get in their car and leave.

We bundle up then go for a walk…

Back to “Second Chances”

Christmas Eve Part Two-Second Chances

The house that my girlfriend and her room mates live in is a lot like mine. It must have been built around the same time.

I knock on the door and am greeted by one of my girlfriend’s room mates. It is the one who set us up.

“Come in,” She says.

I push my shopping cart loaded with cherry cordial and RC Cola, into the house, as I tell her, “This is for all of you from me.”

“Thanks. That was really nice of you,” She says.

“My pleasure,” I reply.

The other room mate comes into the living room and says, “Our room mate is crazy about you, just so you know, so I hope you only have good intentions with her. She’s had her heart broken before, so you better treat her right and not hurt her!”

“I’m crazy about her, as well, actually and I myself have been hurt before, so I will make it my utmost effort to treat her with reverence and love!”

“We’re holding you to that statement!”

“Where is she anyway?”

“She’s using the toilet right now but she’ll be out shortly. Just make yourself comfortable.”

I sit on the sofa. The television and cable box are tuned to the Music Choice Channel that plays Christmas Music.

I listen to the music while the two other room mates prepare the food.

Suddenly, I hear the toilet flush. Then I hear the sink turn on and off.

My girlfriend then walks into the living room and sweetly greets me wearing a knee length red dress, long white socks and brown buckle shoes as she says, “Sorry I wasn’t there to let you in but I had to potty real badly.”

“Oh, that’s all right,” I tell her.

We then share a sweet kiss.

“Is that us sealing our pact?” She asks.

I reply, “No that was just a greeting.”

I kiss her even more strongly and sweetly, then say, “This is us sealing our pact!”

She then hugs me really tightly and I gently rub her love handles.

We then sit on the sofa together and I pull the weather radio out of my shopping car, then say, “I wanted to give you and your room mates this, so y’all can be alerted to bad weather. I can set it up for you if you want.”

She looks at it and then says, “Cool that was really sweet of you,”

“Well, I always want to be prepared,”

“I know and it’s very cute!”

Her two room mates walk into the living room and she holds up the Weather Radio still in its package and says, “Look what my boyfriend got us!”

“Neat. That will come in handy during the spring and summer,” One room mate says.

The other one tells me girlfriend, “Since you stay in the living room, you can put it on the table next to your convertible sofa and if there is a tornado in the middle of the night, it will wake you up, then you can come get us and we can all go inside the hall closet.”

I then interject and say, “It also has a compartment for backup batteries, so y’all can take it in the closet and listen for progress of the bad weather. I have one set up in my house,”

“Do you own or rent?”

“I own. I have to pay a mortgage for the next thirty years, but at least it’s mine,”

“Cool we’re cousins and our family owns this house. We both work and we can easily commute to our jobs from here so that’s why we stay here. We met your girlfriend at church and we let her stay with us.”

“I help out with the utilities whenever I get my disability check and I keep it clean,” My girlfriend adds in.

One of the room mates says, “She’s very sweet, you’ve got a good woman on your hands!”

The other one answers, “He seems like a keeper though and they do make a cute couple!”

“Thanks for the kind words. I could really use some encouragement,” I tell them.

“Is something bothering you?” My girlfriend asks.

“We can talk about it later, because we’re having a good time and I don’t want to ruin that, but my next door neighbor is making trouble with me,” I tell her.

“I won’t mind if we talk about it now, besides we made a pact, so let me help you!”

“Okay, here goes: my next door neighbor has been stalking and harassing me ever since I moved in the other day. He watched me make groceries at Melinda’s and then pay for them with my EBT card. As I was walking in my yard, he commented that his taxes paid for my groceries and that I was a lazy mooch,”

One of the room mates then said, “You have a medical condition and you need help, so don’t feel bad, in fact take advantage of it. Our friend also has a medical condition and Lord knows she deserves all the help she can get.”

The other room mate continues, “You probably don’t get enough from disability to buy much food, so you do indeed need food stamps.”

“It gets worse though, he was harassing me again today and threatened to report me to the government because he thinks I am faking my disability,”

My girlfriend says, “He thinks you’re faking it because your medicine obviously works very well, but those in the government know how you would be if you didn’t have that medicine, and they know how that medicine hinders any significant amount of work, so they won’t cut your benefits. But just to be on the safe side, we can all pray for you!”

I hug my girlfriend to which she begins to play with my hair, then I say, “Thank you. I do feel better now!”

She kisses me, then says, “Of course. You know we made a pact though and I can be a handful at times too!”

“And I promise to try my durn well best to comfort you when you have an episode. You wouldn’t break up with me during an episode though?”

“No. I would never break up with you! I know a good man when I see one and the only way you could lose me is if I died or you became abusive.”

“Well, I was abused in all kinds of ways by my ex wife, yes it happens to men as well, so I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I would only hit someone if my life or the life of someone I care about were in danger.”

One of the room mates then say, “She was sexually and physically assaulted by an illegal Mexican immigrant and that is why she is like she is.”

“The other one adds in, “But she is really sweet in spite of all that and as long as you are good to her, she will make you her king.”

“I know she told me this the other night. And just for the record I want her to be my queen! She knows this already, but if it makes y’all feel better, my abusive ex wife is also a Mexican!”

“Most people our age can’t stand Trump and maybe it’s because he is a disgusting individual, but at least he has a backbone and tries to do what’s best for the country,” One room mate says.

“Yes and he knows the Mexicans are a threat to our safety and security, not to mention they suck up resources that y’all need desperately, so he tries to keep them out of this country,” She pauses then says, “We’re both nurses so we see all of the people that are physically harmed by the Mexicans.”

My girlfriend then says, “I’m afraid of the Mexicans, don’t get me wrong, but it’s Christmas which is about Christ coming into this world to save us from our sins and Christ wants to save the Mexicans as much as He saved all of us! We all need a savior in His eyes!”

I feel convicted over what my girlfriend just said, but I say, “You’re so right baby, Jesus Christ is the reason for Christmas, and I must say you have a very Christlike spirit!”

“You do too and that is the main reason why I must confess that I am falling for you. I hope you feel the same way.”

I look into her puppy dog eyes then I tell her with a kiss, “I most certainly do feel the same way my only regret is that we didn’t meet much sooner!”

She steals a kiss. Then she plants several kisses all over my face.

“Y’all are so sweet!” One room mate says.

“And cute too!” The other one adds in.

They then go into the kitchen and continue preparing the dinner.

My girlfriend and I snuggle together on the sofa. She rests her head on my chest and I plant several kisses on her.

Time goes by quickly and then the dinner is served.

Happily we eat, then we watch Christmas movies.

Her two room mates then go off to bed.

I look at my watch. It is now near midnight and snowing outside.

“You don’t have to go home, you can snuggle with me all night long. I’d hate for you to walk home in the snow.”

“I’d like to stay, but I do revere you and our relationship.”

“Then be reverent and snuggle with me all night long. I won’t make you do anything sinful, although, I definitely want to do more than snuggle with you!”

“I desire you as well, no one has ever turned me on like you do!” I pause then continue, “But I want The Lord to bless our relationship,”

“Well, if it makes you feel better, we won’t have any privacy to do anything sinful, but you can still snuggle with me throughout the night. In fact, I’d really like that!”

“Very well, I’ll stay!”

I take my medicine with a sip of RC Cola and a few green beans from the casserole.

She begins to kiss me passionately.

We roll out the bed then get under the covers and snuggle all night long.

She sleeps partially on top of me and wraps her legs around me.

It is the happiest night I’ve had in a very long time…

Back to “Second Chances”

Christmas Eve Part One-Second Chances

It’s Christmas Eve Morning and I am waking up on my living room sofa.

I look my Casio wristwatch and it indicates that it is 10:59 in the morning.

My smartphone is charging on the nightstand next to my sofa.

I unplug it, then I give my newly found girlfriend a call.

It rings once, then I hear her answer, “Hey you!”

“Hey,” I reply.

“I’m glad you called,”

“Of course. How could I forget,”

She then giggles happily.

I continue, “I just wanted to touch base with you because I am just waking up.”

“Aw that’s sweet,” She pauses and then continues, “Are you doing anything this evening?”

“No, I hadn’t planned anything.”

“Then maybe you could come to me and my two room mates’ house and have dinner.”

“I’d really like that!”

“You would?”

“Of course. It means I get to visit a beautiful young lady!” I pause, then continue, “Now which beautiful young lady am I talking about?”

“ME!” She replies with a happiness in her voice.

“That’s right and don’t ever forget it”! I tell her.

“You just made my heart flutter!”

“And you make my life so bright!”

“I wish we would have met a lot sooner!”

“So do I!” I pause then ask her, “Is there anything I could bring?”

“You don’t have to bring anything but you’re handsome self.”

“But I have an ulterior motive-I want to stay on your two room mates’ good side because I want out relationship to work as smoothly as possible and there be no drama.”

“Aw, you’re so thoughtful! If you want then, you could bring some Cherry Cordials and a couple two liter bottles of RC Cola, then. We all drink RC Cola like crazy and we’ve been craving some Cherry Cordials!”

“Consider it done, then!”

“Yay!”

“What were you doing when I called?”

“I was getting ready to take a bath.”

“I’ll be doing that too so I can get ready for the day.”

“Where are you going to buy the candy and soft drink for tonight?”

“I was going to go to Melinda’s.”

“I know you’re on a fixed income, so maybe you could go to The Dollar General instead where they will be cheaper,”

“You mean The Ruble General!”

“What do you mean?”

“Oh. That’s a joke I made up year ago. The Ruble was the official currency of The Soviet Union and I always say that shopping at The Dollar General is like shopping in The Soviet Union because of the long lines and product shortages.”

“Oh. Now I get it. You’re so smart and funny!”

“Thank you! I’m glad you think so!” I pause then ask, “Do you know where one is?”

“Just across the train tracks. RC Cola is on sale for 2 liters for 85 cents and the Cherry Cordials might be on clearance by now.”

“I might see some trains then. I think trains are so cool!”

“You’re going to like it in this city-there are plenty of trains!”

“There’s a much more important reason why I like this city, though!”

“What is it?”

“Because you live here!”

“You’re making me blush!”

“You’re so cute when you blush! Well you’re always cute!”

“I wish I was there to kiss you!”

“I would definitely kiss you in return!”

“I know you would and I feel so happy!”

“I hope I’ll always make you happy!”

“Just always be as sweet as you are and just be patient with me even on my bad days and you will always make me happy!”

“I have bad days too, so I could somewhat relate to you, so I’ll be patient with you. Please be patient with me as well!”

“Then let’s make a pact: We will always be patient and understanding with each other, especially our mental issues!”

“Agreed! And I wish I was there to seal that pact with a kiss!”

“Aw well you may kiss me as soo as you see me this evening!” She pauses then says, “Not may, but must! You must kiss me!”

“I’d be honored to! Speaking of that, what time should I cross over?”

“Five PM is fine.”

“I’ll be there!”

“Yay! Now, we both need to bathe to get ready for the day, but I cannot wait to see you this evening!”

“As do I! Now you go enjoy your bath!”

“You too.”

“Okay bye.”

“Bye baby!”

We then hang up.

I go into my bathroom and open the valve on my wall heater, then strike a match and light it.

I then draw some hot water and sit down in the tub.

I wash my hair with my favorite shampoo then I wash my body with Dial soap.

It’s nice and warm so I relax for a while.

I feel my face and, even though I look clean shaven there is still a slight amount of facial hair, so I shave.

Afterwards, I rub some conditioner on my face and dry off.

I go into my bedroom and put on some black dress pants and a white tee shirt. Then I put on my belt socks shoes and an Evergreen Oxford shirt.

I sit on my bed then check my bank account on my smartphone.

There is $35.66 left in my account.

I know what I’ll do: I’ll go to Melinda’s and buy a Weather Radio for my girlfriend and her two room mates as a house warming present. Then I will buy the candy and soft drinks from The Dollar General.

I put my jacket on then I walk out of my front door, locking it behind me. Then I walk down my steps, across my front yard, out of the gate to my cyclone fence and off to Melinda’s.

My neighbor is angrily staring at me the entire time, but I manage to ignore him.

I make it to Melinda’s and I go to the housewares section.

I look feverishly for the Weather Radios but I don’t see any.

A clerk is passing by on skates, so I ask him, “What happened to all your Weather Radios?”

“Check the clearance bin,” He replies.

“Will do.”

So I walk to the clearance bin in the fron of the store. There is one Midland WR-120EZ marked down to $5 from $29.99. I’m thrilled. I pick it up then get in line to check out.

Finally it is my turn.

The young cashier scans my Weather Radio and I tell her, “Tell your boss that I say thank you for such an awesome deal! This will make a good gift for my girlfriend and her room mates.”

She smiles and says, “Well we’re glad you found it!” T

She tells me my total then I pay with my debit card.

I’m approved then a receipt is printed out.

“Do you need a bag?”

“No thank you.”

She hands me my receipt, then I say, “Thank you also for working on Christmas Eve and I want you to have a Merry Christmas!”

“Same to you and yours!”

I leave Melinda’s and walk back home.

My neighbor is picking up pecans from his pecan tree when he sees me with the Weather Radio in its package.

“What junk did you buy with my tax money?”

“A gift for my girlfriend.”

“You don’t deserve a girlfriend.”

“That’s none of your business.”

“It should be my business because you and her are going to make a baby and then the government is going to pay for it.”

“I’m going inside because I won’t dignify that with a response.”

“Because you know I am right.”

I up my steps, unlock my door and enter then lock it behind me.

I place the Weather Radio on my sofa, then I go to my utility room and get my personal shopping cart and push it through my living room then out of the front door, which I lock.

Then I guide it down my steps, across my front yard then out of my gate and along the sidewalk to The Dollar General.

I head east.

My neighbor asks me, “Where are you going now?”

“Why does it matter?” I ask him.

“If you live off the government you should have to give an account for all that you do and everywhere you go,”

“Well thank God you’re not in power,”

“I served my country though and I think you owe me some respect,”

“Yeah from what I hear you served your country to avoid jail time!”

“If you disrespect me again, I’m going to kick you where the sun doesn’t shine,”

“You lay one hand on me and I will press charges. Now if you want to be such a jerk, don’t talk to me again!”

“You’re just a spoiled, entitled snowflake brat and I question whether or not you’re really disabled. You just need to be horsewhipped in my opinion and I should report you to the government.”

“You’re harassing and threatening a mentally disabled person and if you don’t stop, I’m calling the cops!” I tell him as I pull out my smartphone.

“You may have won the battle but you haven’t won the war,” He says, then goes inside.

I make my long walk to The Dollar General, thinking about how I could lose my benefits if the wrong people in the government believe my neighbor.

The anxiety compels me to walk, so I walk hard making it to The Dollar General in record time.

I buy five boxes of Cherry Cordials and five two Liter bottles of RC Cola and pay for my items then go back home, making it back in record time.

I enter my gate, then cut across my front yard and up my steps. I unlock my front door and enter locking it behind me.

Then I sit at my computer and write for my blog until its almost 5 PM.

I then place all my purchases in my shopping cart, then I grab my EDC back and walk out the front door, locking it behind me.

Afterwards, I cut across my front yard then out of my gate and walk to my girlfriend and her room mates’ house, arriving there at 5 PM sharp…

Back to “Second Chances”

My Humor Involving Use of the Word “Bae.”

The word “Bae” is a colloquial term of endearment for one’s significant other.

Some say is is an acronym for “before anyone else.”

Others say it is short for “baby” or “babe.”

Whatever the case it is very popular and has been for several years.

And yes I feel that this term reeks of postmodernism, but I also find it quite cute, romantic, and comical. Believe it or not, some of my fellow Millennials find it repulsive, even though we’re the ones who use it the most.  Gen Z probably uses it a lot as well.  I don’t know about Gen X.  I think the Boomers and the Silents get severely annoyed by it and a lot of other things that younger generations do.

Supposedly to the Danes, bae is a term for excrement, but here in America and possibly other parts of the English speaking world, it is overwhelmingly the term for a significant other, so please let’s not have any of those comments about the Danes and their word use.  Furthermore, to the Cajun French, “mad” is also a term for excrement.  Do you see anyone from Canada or Louisiana correcting anyone else over perceived incorrect use of the word, “mad”?  Actually, my Paw Paw did, albeit jokingly though, God rest his soul.

The characters in some of the love stories I write indeed engage in this behavior and refer to each other as bae.

I myself was guilty of this too in my most recent relationship, which unfortunately failed.

Since 2016, though, I have been randomly cracking jokes on social media that reference the word “bae.”

I had gotten some pretty good laughs from posting these, so I decided to make a condensed list of all those bae jokes I thought of.

By the way, they are completely original from my own mind unless someone else thought similar without me knowing.

Without further ado, here are the jokes:

“There’s a clothing line known as “Saint John’s Bay.” Now, I’ve read all the books in the Bible that Saint John is credited with writing and he never once mentions that he was married or even betrothed to anyone. Oh wait, never mind, it’s spelled with a Y not an E. I guess I’m getting ahead of myself and I also need to use my glasses more often…”(-I was inspired to come up with this joke in January of 2020 while sorting through some laundry.)

“There is a town in Mississippi near the Interstate 59 Corridor known as “Bay Springs.”  Well for any young and healthy guy, something on him definitely springs whenever he sees bae!”  (-I never shared that one on social media, because some of my fellow Christian friends would be offended.  This joke came to me in May of 2019 while a friend and I were driving through Mississippi on our way back from Dayton Ohio.)

“There is a radio station in Portland, Maine with the call-sign WBAE. What is even more interesting is that the said station plays Adult Contemporary music. I really think that WBAE should play strictly love songs, which mostly are of the AC genre anyway, especially since it is located up in Maine where it’s very cold (good for cuddling.) That way, they could adopt a slogan along the lines of, “Tune into BAE while cuddling with bae!””  (-I was taking a break from my research and just for fun decided to see if there were any broadcasting station with the letters BAE in their callsign.  The rest of the joke wrote itself.)

“Red lights are definitely annoying when driving…However, I’ve learned there is a perk about red lights and it is that you can safely give bae a kiss while stopped at a red light!”  (-I was driving with my now ex-girlfriend and that is what inspired this particular joke.)

“If you have a bay window with a seat, consider using it to cuddle with bae and watch the sunrise or set (depending on its location in your house.)”  (-I was watching barge traffic in the Gulf Intracoastal Waterway one Sunday Morning after church, when this joke came to me but also an illustration by Eloise Wilkin also was an inspiring factor.)

“There’s a small town in Louisiana called “Chackbay.” I’ve only been there a few times so I’m not sure if it would be a romantic place to shack up with bae or not…”  (-I had just left my now ex-wife and was looking for a place when I was inspired to write this joke.)

“Bay leaves are a very good thing when making red beans and rice…However, it is not a good thing when bae leaves [you] unless your relationship with bae was an abusive or unfaithful one…”  (-My marriage was beginning to unravel when I thought of this joke.  Also about two years later, a MEME with similar meaning was created and I would be tickled pink if my joke inspired that MEME.)

“There’s a company that makes quality plastic flashlights known as “Bayco.” What if there was a company pronounced the same but changed the “y” to an “e.” The new company could make overnight bags and personal hygiene products for when one wants to sleep over at bae’s place…”  (-I had thought of this joke in either 2016 or 2017, but was hesitant to post it on social media because I didn’t want to offend my Christian friends.  I initially sent it out a mass text and group messages but eventually posted it to social media.)

“…A Kindergarten teacher has her class at attention and asks each student “What is your favorite activity for your free time?”. One student raises his hand and replies “Netflix and chill with bae!” The whole class laughs and the teacher is kind of ticked off but also wants to laugh as well. In the end, she either sends a note or an email to the child’s parents…”  (-I had come up with this joke and posted it to social media in late November of 2016, one evening.  My now ex-wife hated the word “bae” but somehow she thought this was funny believe it or not.  Then I also said this during a fellowship meal in church one time, actually on my 32nd birthday not realizing the potential sexual meaning behind Netflix and Chill.)

“What if the website eBay replaced the “y” in its name with an “e”? The pronunciation would still be the same, but instead of being an online commerce site, it would be an online dating site!”  (-That was my first joke involving the word “bae.”  I came up with it in October of 2016.)

Hope you, the reader, laughed at least a little and I sincerely apologize if you didn’t…

Back to “Humor”

 

How I Met Her-Second Chances

I take a bath and wash then condition my hair. Afterwards, I wash my body with my favorite Dial Soap.

After I am all clean, I put on some Old Spice deodorant and then make my face clean shaven.

I’m told I look much younger than my age, but my looks don’t get me very far, unfortunately.

My Weather Radio in my kitchen goes off, alerting me to a freeze warning. So, I go to my bathtub and slightly crack open both faucets.

Then I get my Bible from my EDC backpack and read until I get a text that the couple I met was in front of my house.

I put my Bible back in my EDC backpack, then sling it on my shoulders and walk out the front door, locking it behind me.

The couple is waiting in a brand new van.

I get in on the right rear passenger side, close the door behind me, buckle my seat-belt and place my backpack between my feet.

“So how you’re liking the neighborhood?” The man asks me.

“Honestly, I think y’all are wonderful. I like my house. Melinda’s and The Corner Store are pretty awesome, but my only complaint is my neighbor.”

“What did he do now?” The lady asks me.

He watched me check out while I was making groceries, then he followed me home and was making comments on how I was using food stamps.” I pause then continue, “I’m schizophrenic, okay. And because of that, I get a disability pension as well as my medical needs met and some nutritional assistance. My neighbor was harassing me about that and accused me of sitting on my butt and he called me a lazy moocher.”

“You know, we’re both mental health counselors,” The man said then continued, “And we know the struggle you go through, so don’t beat yourself up.”

The lady then adds in, “I thank God that you get the help you need!”

“I do too, believe me!” I answer.

“That man is just a jerk, but if he keeps harassing you, just call the cops. This city has always been a safe haven for mental patients and many of them not only survive here but they thrive here,” The man says.

“What will everyone at church think of my mental shortcomings?” I ask.

“They will realize that we are all sinners and we all have fallen bodies,” The man answers.

“There are others in the church besides you who are mental patients, so you’ll fit in nicely,” The lady adds in.

Soon we arrive at the church just as it begins to snow.

“I know the perfect Bible class to put you in,” The man says.

“Honey, is it the special needs class?” The lady asks.

“It sure is,” He answers.

I take my backpack and I am taken to the classroom.

There is the teacher, an older gentleman.

Then there is a younger couple.

Finally a young lady sitting all by herself. She has long reddish blonde hair, a pretty face, glasses, and she is pleasantly plump. I’m instantly attracted to her!

She smiles from ear to ear at me and motions for me to sit next to her. I feel very giddy.

The teacher asks me to introduce myself to the class, so I tell them how I just bought a house in this city and my neighbors invited me to church. I told them I was from out of town, but like it here except for my neighbor.

The three students introduce themselves to me.

The teacher then asks, “Do we have any prayer requests?”

The young lady whom I am attracted to says, “Unspoken.”

I then say, “Just that God protect me from my neighbor.”

The young man from the young couple says, “Our marriage.”

His wife says, “Yes, we need it.”

We all bow our heads as the teacher leads in prayer, then begins teaching.

We soon get off the subject and begin to talk about marriage and relationships.

The young man says how women shouldn’t be so bossy.

To which his wife replies how men should be more considerate.

“What is your take on this?” The teacher asks me.

“Well,” I reply, “I’ve had some failed relationships in my past, but if I had a good woman in my life, I would definitely love her and revere her tremendously. If we all can remember to be like that with our significant others, treat them with love and reverence, that is, then marriage would be a lot easier and much more pleasant!”

The young lady whom I am attracted to smiles at me from ear to ear, until the teacher asks her, “And what is your take?”

“I think what this he just said is very true and I agree with him totally!”

I begin to blush.

So does she.

We then bashfully smile at each other.

“That’s very profound,” The teacher says, then continues, “I think you will make an excellent contribution to this class if you decide to continue coming here.”

“Thank you, sir!” I tell the teacher.

Suddenly, the power goes out and the room becomes dark.

“Must be the snow, you know the grid down here can’t handle it,” The teacher says.

I reach into my backpack for my Streamlight Jr. tactical flashlight and I light up the classroom.

The young lady whom I am attracted to smiles even more at me.

“I like to be prepared for anything,” I tell the class.

The young lady giggles.

The young man from the couple says, “You’re definitely going to fit in here!”

His wife adds in, “Yes, I hope you decide to join,”

“I think I will,” I tell the class.

I can see the young lady beaming from ear to ear by the light of my flashlight.

We sit in the dark as the couple continues discussing their problems, but the young lady and I are staring at each other with increasing affection.

Then the power comes back on, just as the lesson concludes.

We then go into the fellowship hall to have our meal.

Because the power had gone out, they all took pizzas from the freezer and began to bake them.

I sit at a table and wait for the food to be served.

Suddenly another young lady comes up to me and says, “My room mate likes you and she says she wants to get to know you!”

“Who is your room mate?” She points across the room to the young lady whom I am attracted to.

As I look at her, she waves at me.

“What do you think?” The other young lady asks me.

“To tell the truth, I think she is beautiful and I like her as well. We just had class together.”

“Aw, that is so sweet. She is going to be so happy and I cannot wait to tell her. Please don’t break her heart though, she has been hurt before.”

“So have I, so I promise to treat her right, wherever this may go.”

“Awesome! I’ll go tell her.”

“Also tell her to come sit with me, that is if she wants to.”

“I think she would love to!”

I watch her tell the young lady and how she smiles with excitement as she hears.

Now she is coming over to sit with me. I feel so giddy.

She sits at the table next to me.

At first there is an awkward silence but then she asks, “Do you really like me?”

“I sure do!”

“And you really do think I am beautiful?”

I look into her eyes and say, “Most definitely!”

“Even though I am overweight?”

I hold her hands and then say, “May I confess something to you and please try not to hold it against me?”

“Sure,” She says with a heavy heart.

“I think plus sized women are God’s most beautiful creatures!”

I then blush afterwards, but she giggles.

“You’re quite handsome yourself, you know!” She tells me.

“I have to tell you two things and you may not want me after hearing them,”

“Try me,” She says.

“Okay first of all I am mentally disabled. I am schizophrenic but it is well controlled with medication, though,” I humbly tell her.

“That’s okay, I am mentally disabled too. I have PTSD.”

“And the other thing, I was married before, to a Mexican woman who treated me terribly. Then I was in a relationship with another woman who led me on, just to dump me a little over a year later. I only slept with my ex wife though.”

“That’s no big deal, when I was fifteen I was molested by an illegal immigrant from Mexico, hence the PTSD and my weight gain. I’ve talked to many other young men, but they always give up on me before doing anything with me because I don’t put out, so you can kind of say, I only slept with one person too, though it wasn’t by choice.”

“We both have a past, but I guess it makes us stronger.”

“Do you still want me, now that you know this?”

“Of course. I hope you still want me as well.”

“Sure do!”

“You’re at least twenty-five right? I know age shouldn’t matter, but I would rather not date anyone under twenty-five, although I could easily make an exception for you.”

“Don’t worry, I’m twenty-five-going-on twenty-six. But how old are you?”

“Thirty-two-going-on-thirty-three. I hope I’m not too old for you.”

“Nope, you’re perfect-seven is a number of perfection and we have a seven year age difference!”

“Wow, you really are wonderful!”

“Thanks! You’re making me blush though!”

“I know but it’s so cute!”

“Do you really mean what you say about treating a significant other with love and reverence?”

“Yes, I am serious as a heart attack and honest as a robin about that!”

“Awesome, do you think you could feel that way towards me?”

“I sure could, and more than anyone else I ever met!”

“Wow! Where have you been all my life?”

“In another town, unfortunately.”

“Do you want to know what my unspoken prayer was?”

“Yes.”

“Well, first let me say that I thought you were very cute, the moment I saw you walk in that classroom, so I liked you ever since then, but my unspoken prayer was that you would somehow like me too!”

I then hug her tightly. She steals a kiss.

Then she says, “Sorry, but I’m crazy about you!”

“Nothing to be sorry for, I feel the same way!”

“So, are we a couple?”

“If you want to be we are!”

“Then, yes, we are!”

“Finally, I think I have found someone wonderful!”

“I’m so happy, it’s as if all my prayers and the prayers of several people at this church have been answered!”

“Mine have been too. I used to meditate on the perfect lady for me and you fit the description exactly!”

She kisses me again.

We then exchange phone numbers and addresses.

It turns out we live in walking distance from each other.

Our pizza is then served and we happily eat.

We spend the rest of the fellowship time holding hands and falling more and more for each other.

“Are you able to drive?” She asks.

“I have my license, but I no longer have my car. I’m more focused on paying for my house.”

“That’s fine. We can walk to each other. I never got my license though.”

“If I ever, get a car, I can teach you how to drive.”

“That would be awesome!”

All too quickly the fellowship time is over.

We share a hug and a kiss, then she says, “Call me when you get home and call me when you wake up tomorrow!”

“Of course I will!”

“Yay!” She says.

She then gets in the car with her room mates and I get in the van with the couple who invited me to church.

“Seems like there was strong chemistry between you and her tonight,” The man says.

“There sure was,” I reply.

“She has a very good heart, but sometimes she has some mental issues. But if you’re patient and understanding with her, she will love you like there is no tomorrow!” The lady says.

“I can somewhat relate because she and I have plenty in common,”

“God definitely put y’all together, I can see that!” The man adds in.

“I think so too!” I say.

Soon we are in front of my house.

“We will pick you up Sunday Morning.” The lady says.

“Sure thing,” I reply.

I then get out of their van and close the door. Afterwards, I enter the gate of my cyclone fence, walk across my front yard up the steps then I unlock and enter my front door.

I sit on the sofa and call my girlfriend.

“Hey, you!” She answers.

“I was calling to let you know I safely arrived at home and I need to take my medicine.”

“Awesome, I’m glad you’re safe. We’re walking across the front yard now and I need to take my medicine too!”

“Mine medicine makes me sleepy, what about yours?”

“Yes, mine does too.”

“Well then, we both need our rest, but how I long to be able to hug you tightly and sweetly give you a good night kiss! I must also confess that I wish I could cuddle you in my arms throughout the night as well! But my prayer is for God to look after both of us until we see each other again and I equally pray for our peaceful slumber!”

“Aw, that’s so beautiful and, yes, I have those desires as well!”

“Then if you want we can exchange these words every night!”

“I would love that! I can tell you’re going to make me very happy!”

“And you make me happy as well!”

“Yay!”

“Now we both need to take our medicine, so let’s hang up and take it!”

“Okay, I cannot wait for you to call me tomorrow,”

“I promise you, I will as soon as I wake up. Please don’t ever think that I am going to ghost you!”

“I know you won’t”

“Just making sure!”

“You’re so sweet!”

“And so are you!”

“Okay, good night!”

“Good night!”

I take my medicine and then soon fall asleep happier than I’ve ever been!…

Back to “Second Chances”

Making Groceries-Second Chances

WEDNESDAY
It’s another day closer to Christmas as I wake up on my living room sofa.

I rub my eyes and then look at my watch which indicates that it is Noon.

I realize that I need to make some groceries, so I call the number on my EBT card and find out that I still have $22 of the $44 I get a month for nutritional assistance. I then walk into my utility room and retrieve my personal shopping cart.

Melinda’s Massive Superstore is about a block away from my house, so I put my jacket on and push my shopping cart out the door.

I guide it down my steps, across my front yard and out of the gate of my cyclone fence.

Then I push it towards Melinda’s as I walk on the sidewalk.

The weather is cold and raw, but I push on.

I cut across the parking lot and finally I enter.

The double sliding doors automatically open and I am hit with a blast of warm air.

I’m quite hungry and I know I shouldn’t shop on an empty stomach, but I have yet to put food in my new house.

First, I see the four packs of pudding on sale for eighty-nine Cents a pack. I buy five four packs of tapioca and three four packs of vanilla.

Then I buy got to the canned vegetables which are selling two for one dollar. I buy four cans of green and four cans of carrots.

Next I go to the canned meats and seafood and see that store brand tuna fish is selling for fifty cents a can. I buy eight cans.

I then buy a loaf of the cheapest sliced bread, which is selling for one dollar and twenty five cents. I also get a jar of store brand mayonnaise that is selling for two dollars and ninety cents.

Finally, I go to the frozen foods aisle and see Banquet Dinners for ninety-nine cents apiece. I get a turkey with potatoes stuffing and peas dinner. I get a spaghetti and meatballs. And I get a barbecued pork ribs dinner.

Then I walk to the checkout counter with my purchases.

A young cashier scans my items and I humbly pay with my EBT card. My new neighbor is watching me make check out. After the transaction is approved, I make a bee line back home. Finally, I am in front of my house, just as my new neighbor is pulling up onto his driveway in a truck.

I enter my the gate of my cyclone fence and am cutting across my yard with my groceries. I hear the truck door of my neighbor slam loudly as he stands by the fence and yells at me with a confrontational anger, “I saw you making those groceries with your food stamp card. It must be nice to sit on your butt all day and get hand outs!”

I try to ignore him and walk to my steps.

I guide my shopping cart up my steps and place my groceries inside.

He shouts again, “That’s right, that’s right, go inside and eat all the food that my taxes paid for you lazy mooch!”

I lock both the storm door and the wooden door.

I’m now feeling really guilty because I do have plenty though I no longer work as I take my Swiss Army Knife from my EDC backpack and use the can opener implement to open a can of tuna fish for my lunch.

Not only am I feeling guilty, I’m very paranoid that this neighbor might harm me. I mean he is ex military and ex criminal and could probably kill me with his bare hands.

I spread some mayonnaise on four slices of bread then I make two tuna fish sandwiches from that can.

I say grace, thanking God for providing me with the food, but also ask him to protect me from that troublesome neighbor.

I eat the two sandwiches hurriedly and then I wash them down with the Pepsi from last night.

After many thoughts cycle through my head, I decide to get on my computer and write a story for my blog. The villain will definitely be based on my hateful neighbor.

I write until the hour of Four PM. Then I get ready for church…

Back to “Second Chances”

The Prequel-Second Chances

TUESDAY

Christmas is in a few days and my life is finally turning in the right direction.

I’m thirty-two-going-on-thirty-three and was finally able to buy a house.

It is an older wood frame house on a corner lot in the suburbs and one of the oldest houses on the block.

My house may not be the best but it’s the best I could ever dare hope for.

The reason I say this is because I get a disability pension for being schizophrenic, but my illness is well controlled with medication and therapy.

Because of this disability pension I am able to pay the note on my house and all the other expenses.

I didn’t have that many possessions, so I quickly moved in.

I walk out my front door, down the steps, across my front yard and exit through the gate of my cyclone fence.

I begin walking along the sidewalk to survey the neighborhood.

My next door neighbor, an older man, gives me a dirty look, then spits on the ground.

I don’t even acknowledge him.

A middle aged couple is walking and they greet me warmly.

“I don’t think we’ve seen you around here before, young man,” The woman says.

“I’m new to the neighborhood actually. In fact I just moved in today,” I reply.

“What is your address?” The man asks me.

I give it to him.

“Oh, yes. There is a hateful old man that is right next door to you. Avoid him at all costs,” The woman says.

“Yes. He thinks everyone should kiss his behind because he’s a veteran, when in reality he only served in the military to avoid jail time,” The man interjects.

“Now honey, all we can do is pray for people like that.”

“You’re right darling,” The man says, then asks, looking at me, “Speaking of prayer, tell me, are you a Christian?”

“Well, I haven’t lived the best life, but at least I’ve been washed by The Blood,” I reply.

“Is there any church you go to?”

“No, I moved here from out of town and actually was hoping to find a church.”

“We’d love for you to come to church with us,” The woman says.

“I don’t have a vehicle at the moment though.”

“We’ll be glad to drive you there, we’ll even pick you up from your house!” The man adds in.

“Okay, then I would be honored to come to church with you!”

“Great, we have an evening service tomorrow, as on every Wednesday and of course the main service is on Sunday,”

The lady pulls out her smart phone and says, “We’d like your contact information.”

I give it to them.

The man also takes out his smart phone and they both enter my name and phone number.

They then give me their information and I program it into my phone.

“Well, we need to finish our exercise, but give us a buzz if you need anything at all,” The man says.

“And we will pick you up around five PM tomorrow evening for church,” The woman adds in.

“It was awesome meeting, y’all,” I say.

They both nod.

I’m getting hungry and there is no food in my house, so I walk around to find a place to eat.

I see a corner store and I enter.

I browse around until I see some microwavable jalapeno cheeseburgers, just like the ones I used to eat in my old town.

I select two of them and also a Pepsi from the soft drink fountain.

I then pay for my items with my debit card, then walk to the microwave and heat up one my my cheeseburgers for thirty seconds.

When it is done, I sit at the dining table, say grace and eat.

After eating I sip on my drink and watch the people go in and out.

I then buy two liters of Pepsi, then leave the store and head home.

Finally I am in front of my house, so I enter the cyclone fence, cut across my front yard as my neighbor stares at me. I continue up my steps and I enter my front door, locking it behind me.

I place the cheeseburger and the Pepsi bottle in my refrigerator, then go to my living room and log on to my computer.

My home Internet service hasn’t been set up yet, so I plug my smartphone into my computer to use as a tethered modem.

I browse the Internet for a while and do some writing for my blog, mostly about my new life.

Hours pass.

I’m hungry again, so I warm up the other cheeseburger and then pour me a glass of Pepsi.

Then I take my EDC backpack and remove the vial of Geodon from it.

The microwave beeps, so I eat the cheeseburger then take two 80 mg capsules of Geodon and wash it all down with Pepsi.

Soon enough I am sleepy and I crash on my living room sofa until Noon the next day…

Back to “Second Chances”