TUESDAY DECEMBER 24, 2019
It’s Christmas Eve Morning and I am waking up on my living room sofa.
I look at my Casio wristwatch and it indicates that it is 10:59 in the morning.
My smartphone is charging on the nightstand next to my sofa.
I unplug it, then I give my newly found girlfriend a call.
It rings once, then I hear her answer, “Hey you!”
“Hey,” I reply.
“I’m glad you called,”
“Of course. How could I forget,”
She then giggles happily.
I continue, “I just wanted to touch base with you because I am just waking up.”
“Aw that’s sweet,” She pauses and then continues, “Are you doing anything this evening?”
“No, I hadn’t planned anything.”
“Then maybe you could come to me and my two roommates’ house and have dinner.”
“I’d like that a lot!”
“Of course. It means I get to visit a beautiful young lady!” I pause, then continue, “Now which beautiful young lady am I talking about?”
“ME!” She replies with much happiness in her voice.
“That’s right and don’t ever forget it”! I tell her.
“You just made my heart flutter!”
“And you make my life so bright!”
“I wish we would have met a lot sooner!”
“So do I!” I pause and then ask her, “Is there anything I could bring?”
“You don’t have to bring anything but you’re handsome self.”
“But I have an ulterior motive-I want to stay on your two roommates’ good side because I want our relationship to work as smoothly as possible and there be no drama.”
“Aw, you’re so thoughtful! If you want then, you could bring some Cherry Cordials and a few two-liter bottles of RC Cola, then. We all drink RC Cola like crazy and we’ve been craving some Cherry Cordials!”
“Consider it done, then!”
“What were you doing when I called?”
“I was getting ready to take a bath.”
“I’ll be doing that too so I can get ready for the day.”
“Where are you going to buy the candy and soft drink for tonight?”
“I was going to go to Melinda’s.”
“I know you’re on a fixed income, so maybe you could go to The Dollar General instead where they will be cheaper,”
“You mean The Ruble General!”
“What do you mean?”
“Oh. That’s a joke I made up years ago. The Ruble was the official currency of The Soviet Union and I always say that shopping at The Dollar General is like shopping in The Soviet Union because of the long lines and product shortages.”
“Oh. Now I get it. You’re so smart and funny!”
“Thank you! I’m glad you think so!” I pause and then ask, “Do you know where one is?”
“Just across the train tracks. RC Cola is on sale for 2 liters for 85 cents and the Cherry Cordials might be on clearance by now.”
“I might see some trains then. I think trains are so cool!”
“You’re going to like it in this city; there are plenty of trains!”
“There’s a much more important reason why I like this city, though!”
“What is it?”
“Because you live here!”
“You’re making me blush!”
“You’re so cute when you blush! Well, you’re always cute!”
“I wish I was there to kiss you!”
“I definitely would kiss you in return!”
“I know you would and I feel so happy!”
“I hope I’ll always make you happy!”
“Just always be as sweet as you are and just be patient with me even on my bad days and you will always make me happy!”
“I have bad days too, so I could somewhat relate to you, so I’ll be patient with you. Please be patient with me as well!”
“Then let’s make a pact: We will always be patient and understanding with each other, especially our mental issues!”
“Agreed! And I wish I was there to seal that pact with a kiss!”
“Aw! Well, you may kiss me as soon as you see me this evening!” She pauses then says, “Not you may, but you must! You must kiss me!”
“I’d be honored to! Speaking of that, what time should I cross over?”
“Five PM is fine.”
“I’ll be there!”
“Yay! Now, we both need to bathe to get ready for the day, but I cannot wait to see you this evening!”
“As do I! Now you go enjoy your bath!”
We then hang up.
I go into my bathroom and open the valve on my wall heater, then strike a match and light it.
I then draw some hot water and sit down in the tub.
I wash my hair with my favorite shampoo then I wash my body with Dial soap.
It’s nice and warm so I relax for a while.
I feel my face and, even though I look clean-shaven there is still a slight amount of facial hair, so I shave.
Afterwards, I rub some Aqua Velva on my face and dry off.
I go into my bedroom and put on some black dress pants and a white tee shirt. Then I put on my belt socks shoes and an Evergreen Oxford shirt.
I sit on my bed and then check my bank account on my smartphone.
There is $35.66 left in my account.
I know what I’ll do: I’ll go to Melinda’s and buy a Weather Radio for my girlfriend and her two roommates as a housewarming present. Then I will buy the candy and soft drinks from Dollar General.
I put my jacket on then I walk out of my front door, locking it behind me. Then I walk down my steps, across my front yard, out of the gate to my cyclone fence, and off to Melinda’s.
My neighbor is angrily staring at me the entire time, but I manage to ignore him.
I make it to Melinda’s and I go to the housewares section.
I look feverishly for the Weather Radios but I don’t see any.
A clerk is passing by on skates, so I ask him, “What happened to all your Weather Radios?”
“Check the clearance bin,” He replies.
So I walk to the clearance bin in the front of the store. There is one Midland WR-120EZ marked down to $5 from $29.99. I’m thrilled. I pick it up and then get in line to check out.
Finally, it is my turn.
The young cashier scans my Weather Radio and I tell her, “Tell your boss that I say thank you for such an awesome deal! This will make a good gift for my girlfriend and her roommates.”
She smiles and says, “Well we’re glad you found it!” T
She tells me my total then I pay with my debit card.
I’m approved then a receipt is printed out.
“Do you need a bag?”
“No thank you.”
She hands me my receipt, then I say, “Thank you also for working on Christmas Eve and I want you to have a Merry Christmas!”
“Same to you and yours!”
I leave Melinda’s and walk back home.
My neighbor is picking up pecans from his pecan tree when he sees me with the Weather Radio in its package.
“What junk did you buy with my tax money?”
“A gift for my girlfriend.”
“You don’t deserve a girlfriend.”
“That’s none of your business.”
“It should be my business because you and that girl are going to make a baby and then the government is going to pay for it.”
“I’m going inside because I won’t even dignify that with a response.”
“Because you know I am right.”
I go up my steps, unlock my door and enter then lock it behind me.
I place the Weather Radio on my sofa, then I go to my utility room and get my personal shopping cart and push it through my living room then out of the front door, which I lock.
Then I guide it down my steps, across my front yard then out of my gate, and along the sidewalk to The Dollar General.
I head east.
My neighbor asks me, “Where are you going now?”
“Why does it matter?” I ask him.
“If you live off the government you should have to give an account for all that you do and everywhere you go,”
“Well thank God you’re not in power,”
“I served my country though and I think you owe me some respect,”
“Yeah from what I hear you served your country to avoid jail time!”
“If you disrespect me again, I’m going to kick you where the sun doesn’t shine,”
“You lay one hand on me and I will press charges. Now if you want to be such a jerk, don’t talk to me again!”
“You’re just a spoiled, entitled snowflake brat and I question whether or not you’re disabled. You just need to be horsewhipped in my opinion and I should report you to the government.”
“You’re harassing and threatening a mentally disabled person and if you don’t stop, I’m calling the cops!” I tell him as I pull out my smartphone.
“You may have won the battle but you haven’t won the war,” He says, then goes inside.
I make my long walk to The Dollar General, thinking about how I could lose my benefits if the wrong people in the government believe my neighbor.
The anxiety compels me to walk, so I walk hard making it to The Dollar General in record time.
I buy five boxes of Cherry Cordials and five two Liter bottles of RC Cola and pay for my items then go back home, making it back in record time.
I enter my gate, then cut across my front yard and up my steps. I unlock my front door and enter locking it behind me.
Then I sit at my computer and write for my blog until it’s almost 5 PM.
I then place all my purchases in my shopping cart, then I grab my EDC back and walk out the front door, locking it behind me.
Afterwards, I cut across my front yard then out of my gate and walk to my girlfriend and her roommates’ house, arriving there at 5 PM sharp…