My First Love

I was but four years old, the very first time I had fallen in love if one could call it that. This girl had the biggest impact on my life, more than probably anyone else with whom I crossed paths, aside from Jesus Christ.

Only those very close to me know this fact and many others assume, that my first love was a girl two years my junior whom I met in September of 1994 and lived up the street from me. I was with her from ages seven to nine.

The reality is, I met my first love some time early in 1991.

It was while attending a church nursery and/or preschool in the railroad town of Schriever, Louisiana.

This was a very rough time in my life, but this girl was so sweet to me, that I couldn’t help but fall for her, even though I was so young.

The reason why my life was rough at this time is that my brother and sister were infants and my parents didn’t have much time for me. I guess I took this hard because before this I was an only child. The other reason is that someone tied to my family was frequently beating the living daylights out of me. I have since forgiven him for beating me and am only bringing it up in this piece because it contributed to this traumatic part of my childhood. I was also special needs but no one at the time realized it.

I was sent to this church every Monday and Tuesday so I could interact with children around my age. To tell the truth, I hated going there, even though it was the only place I saw her.

She and I were always the first two children to arrive in the morning, so that is how we grew “close.”

There was also something about her, even though she was maybe only a little older than me, that she could tell when I was in distress and always had a way of comforting me.

There was even a time I happened to see the man who was beating me while being driven to that preschool and had my first of many panic attacks as a result.

When I arrived, Kristen saw that I was upset and somehow, she managed to calm me down.

There were numerous other times as well when she comforted me, though the only phrase I ever remember her saying is “Don’t worry.”

I ended up falling for her because of her kind heart, but also I thought she was beautiful.

She had porcelain skin, brown eyes, and light brown hair.

She frequently wore either blue and pink dresses. I don’t think I ever remember seeing her wear pants or shorts, which makes me wonder if she was raised in the United Pentecostal Church International or a fragmented church with similar doctrine. This church, by the way, was not UPCI or a non-denominational/fragmented church. Some of those churches strictly enforce dress codes, especially for women and girls, and also frequently teach their members to be reclusive from society and could be the reason why I have not seen her again.

Then in July of 1991, I would be taken out of the church preschool. Unfortunately, I would attend a far worse place for the next nearly ten years.

I remember the day I left very well. She crawled up to hug me goodbye, but I turned her down for fear of being teased.

That probably hurt her feelings immensely and I still regret it almost 30 years later at the time of writing this.

This was one of the worst mistakes of my life and if I had my life to live over, I would somehow have found a way to stay in touch with her, knowing what I know now.

To my knowledge, I’ve never seen her again.

The one time I think I might have seen her was on Easter Sunday, April 11, 2004, at the Wal-Mart in Thibodaux, Louisiana, but this is strictly speculation.

Since 2001, I’ve been trying to locate her and over the years I have asked hundreds if not thousands of women and girls with her first name if they were indeed her. None of them have ever told me “yes.” Many of them never replied, to begin with. Unfortunately a few have blocked me, for nothing more than asking an honest and harmless question. I feel as if people have become extremely block happy in recent years.

In 2004 and 2005, I went back to that church to look for her and did come across a couple of classmates since then but none of them remember her. Pay close attention to that fact!

Because her first name is Kristen, that means there are numerous methods to spell it and I am nowhere near sure of the exact spelling. This on top of not knowing her middle or last name nor even what year she was born in has made locating her all the more difficult.

This is the first time I am 100% public about this very personal story in my life, previously, I’ve only told people whom I deeply trust and I’ve gotten mixed reactions ranging from them thinking I am delusional to them thinking that she and I are indeed meant to be and to not give up on finding her one day.

While I was going through a divorce, I had renewed efforts in trying to locate her.

My main fear is that with me going public with this personal story, there will be some imposters that show up, which is why I have left out the details of exactly which church in Schriever, Louisiana, I met her at or the names of the teachers and other classmates, all of which I vividly remember.

I’ve come across several other classmates from that preschool and nursery, over the years, but the most shocking thing is none of them remember her at all.

I know some would maybe think that she was an angel that only I or maybe a few others could see.

The only reason why I wonder whether or not she’s an angelic being that only I could see is that I remember the teacher saying her name.

BOMBSHELL: She is the truest reason why I decided to start writing back on April 10, 2003. I used my memories of Kristen for most of my inspiration in my early days of writing.

There had been other women and girls who had inspired me to create characters and there had been some young ladies who reminded me of characters I created.

Unfortunately, I got into a relationship with a young woman which resulted in marriage and then ultimately divorce. The relationship lasted from 2007 to 2018.

Around 2014, I started searching for Kristen again, but to no avail. In that year, I also started writing stories again with her as my inspiration. Several of them are up on my blog.

In the latter parts of 2018, I stopped searching altogether, because I had entered into a very loving and stable relationship with a young lady that looked like a younger yet grown-up version of Kristen. Also, I took the fact that she was born in 1991 as a sign that she was the one. Unfortunately, on December 4/5, 2019, she called it quits on me. I was crushed but am finally starting to heal from it. I had gotten into a few brief relationships since but I always ended them for one reason or another.

A certain part of me wants to find her and find out whatever happened to her. Then my delusional self would either try to get to know her and maybe we could fall in love again or at least find out where she is now and let her know the impact she had on my life because it is a tremendous one, then wish her the best. I’ve also come to terms that she could be deceased and if that is the case, I want to visit her burial site and pay great homage and reverence to her. If she is still alive, romantically available and we meet again and get to know each other, physical features such as her size or facial beauty will not matter to me. Almost everyone who knows me knows that I am only attracted to plus-sized and/or super-sized women with pretty faces, but for her, I would try to pursue her no matter what she looked like. Also, nothing in her past would matter to me either, I would take her for who she is because I would remember how kind to me she was back then. For her, I could relax just about all of my standards. I do realize though that this is just a fantasy and that I need to move on.

Since 2014, I have been mentally creating stories of her and I together again after she helps me make a daring escape from some terrible people that had me captive. Because 2021 is the thirtieth anniversary of her and I meet, I may write down some of these stories. By the way, in my mind, they always took place in the year 2021! Possibly stay tuned. There is only one I wrote and did so in February of 2018.

Just for the record, I no longer think she and I are meant to be. The Lord has been showing me what my future spouse will be like and, she is similar in some ways but younger and nowhere near as maternal (for lack of a better word) towards me, though still very loving and affectionate. Also, with me being the male sex, God expects me to do [most of] the protecting and comforting not the other way around, so this is probably the main reason why he hasn’t allowed me to find her, assuming she is not an angel. At the risk of sounding unpopular, God indeed has established certain gender roles! Don’t shoot the messenger…

That’s all I have, for now, thank you for taking the time to read.

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