My mom is in a deep sleep.
She took several doses of Xanax, then ate almost all the food in the house and crashed.
I just have a few cans of fruit to eat and a half gallon of milk left.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and hopefully, my dad will be off.
I hate my life.
It is nothing like the life of most seventeen-year-olds.
I have thyroid issues which make me completely unable to lose weight. There are many boys whom I have had crushes on, but they all reject me then mock me with such cruelty when they find out I like them. They call me either a cow or a pig and make the noises of those respective animals whenever they see me. I wish I could find a boy or even a young man who would love me for me. Just because I am fat doesn’t mean I don’t have a heart. I do have plenty to offer and if I ever did find someone, I would do everything in my power to keep him. I would be faithful to him and him only and treat him as my king.
I also dropped out of high school, because my mom is constantly under the influence of either Xanax or Vodka and unable to drive. There is no bus transportation to the private school I was attending and because of my weight I would be tormented and harassed relentlessly if I began attending the public high school in my district.
I’m unable to drive because of my size, so I’m stuck in this house most of the time, while my dad works.
He makes really good money, and we have very comfortable lives, but he neglects my mom emotionally and she either takes it out on me or turns to pills to fill the void.
Sometimes I consider stealing my mom’s Xanax and taking as many of them as possible at once to end my life.
However, something keeps telling me not to give up.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, but I feel I don’t have much to be thankful for.
At least there will be some good food that my dad will buy from The Downtown Grocer.
I sit in the kitchen and eat a can of Del Monte` Bartlett pears in heavy syrup.
The clock on the microwave oven says six forty-one.
It’s chilly so I raise the temperature on the thermostat.
I finish my can of pears, then go to my bed and wrap up in my blankets.
I watch “The Notebook” on demand, just hoping that someday soon I can find someone to love and love me like the couple in that movie loves each other.
It keeps my undivided attention until I am too sleepy to keep my eyes open.
It will hopefully be a good day tomorrow and I hear that voice telling me not to give up more than ever.
I’m still cold so I raise the thermostat even more, then wrap up in my blankets and go to bed.
I’m now settling into bed when my mom wakes up and starts ranting and raving.
It’s going to be a long night because my mom is extremely belligerent. Now I have to keep a constant eye on her to make sure she does nothing foolish or dangerous.
That voice telling me to not give up is stronger than ever and is getting me through tonight. The voice also keeps saying, “Just a little while longer.”
It is the only thing that gets me through the night.
Finally, my dad comes in from work and my mom begins arguing with him.
I go to bed, finally. It is near midnight.
Like most other nights I go to sleep to the angry words my parents are exchanging.
Finally, I am asleep and I dream about the words told to me by those little encouraging voices…