Black Friday-Grocer and Writer (Guy’s Perspective)

I’m just getting off of work and headed home. It was a very stressful Black Friday. I park my car against the curb, then exit it, locking the doors. I open the gate to my hurricane fence and cut across my front yard. I then unlock my front door, then enter my living room. I walk to the kitchen and get a can of Best Choice Cherry Cola from my old refrigerator, then back to the living room where I sit on the sofa and drink.

I turn on my television and adjust the rabbit ears to catch the late local news. An indifferent reporter tells stories of newsworthy events over the course of the day.

Suddenly my phone rings. It’s my girlfriend calling.

So I answer, “Hello, baby.”

“Hey, you!” She replies.

Reluctantly, I tell her, “I’m glad you called, I really am. But I have to conserve my minutes for work.”

“Oh. I see.”

“I’m so sorry, but I’m low on minutes as it is.” I pause then continue, “I have unlimited texting and would be willing to text you all night long if you wish.”

“Yes. I can do that. I’d really love to hear your voice more, but I’ll text you if it means we can keep in touch.”

“I know I’ve found someone wonderful if you’re willing to put up with that!”

“You’re making me blush!”

There’s an awkward silence, but then she says, “Well let’s hang up so we can text each other and you don’t run out of minutes.”

“Okay, baby.”

“All right. Bye for now.”

“Bye.”

We hang up then I begin to type out a message, “I’m definitely happy you’re understanding of my situation and I want to get to know you more.”

Seconds pass, then she replies, “i wnt 2 get 2 kno u 2”

“Then ask me something.”

“ok how did u end up n the city?”

“I wanted to get away from my parents and found work and cheap real estate. The Downtown Grocer hired me on the spot, the same day I applied in fact. The people who sold me my house were all too eager to get rid of it.”

“i lik how u use good grammar wen u text. no 1 els i kno does that.”

“Thanks. I want to be a writer you know. You should try using proper grammar when you text as well.”

“Okay, I will from now on. You know you write beautiful stories.”

“Thanks. That means plenty coming from you.”

“I would know. I was an honor student before I dropped out and English was my favorite subject.”

“Why did you drop out?”

“Because there is no bus transportation to the private school I was attending and my mom is always loaded.”

“Oh, okay.”

“Yes, and I would be tormented horribly if I attended the public school in my district because I’m so fat.”

“I think you’re absolutely beautiful, but I know how cruel high school students can be. So I can’t say I blame you.”

“You’re making me blush again.”

“I wish I could see your pretty blush.”

“You can. I’ll take a selfie and send it to you.” “Let me walk to the bathroom mirror.”

A few minutes pass, then the picture comes in. I see lot’s of red in her pale white face. I’m very attracted to her.

“You are so darn cute!” I tell her, then continue, “Did you ever have a boyfriend before me?”

“Nope. I just had crushes on a lot of boys but they all turned me down because of my weight.”

“Well they were such fools to do so, but that makes you even more special.”

“Why? Because I’m a virgin?”

“Yes. If only you knew the reverence I have for you.”

“Lot’s of people mocked me for being a virgin.”

“Well don’t worry about them, because they don’t even matter.”

There is another awkward silence, but then I say, “It’s cold in here. I have to turn my floor furnace on. I’ll be right back.”

With my phone in hand, I walk to the thermostat in my master bedroom and raise the target temperature so my floor furnace comes on.

I hear the relays click and the gas valve open up and the flames ignite.

Seconds later, my phone also goes off, indicating a new message, “I wish I was there to keep you warm.”

“I would be honored to sit next to you wrapped up in a blanket. But, what would your parents think?”

“I don’t think they would mind once they see how sweet you are, but if they did, they can only control up until February 4th, because then I’ll be eighteen.”

“Still, I’d like to stay on their good side.”

“You wouldn’t see them much anyway, my dad is always working and my mom is always loaded on pills and booze.”

“What does your dad do for a living?”

“All I know is that he is a business executive, but he puts his job before everything else. He chases that money but money isn’t everything, you know.”

“It makes life easier.”

“But it’s not worth tearing up your family, nothing is.”

“That much is true.”

“Promise me, no matter how successful of a writer you become, that you’ll always make time for me.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever be successful.”

“Just promise me. My dad knows people who could get you published.”

“You’re right. I promise and swear to you that you’ll always be my top priority. I’m just thankful you put up with me and this God awful job I have now.”

“It won’t always be this way, things will get better. Just be patient and have some faith.”

“Thanks for the encouragement!”

“Anytime. Now I have to go. My mom just woke up and she is very belligerent.”

“Okay, text me when you can and hopefully soon I can take you out on a date.”

“That would be wonderful! I can’t wait ’til then. I guess I’ll tell you good night.”

“Good night, baby.”

I put my phone on to charge, then I take off my work clothes and go to bed, dreaming many dreams about her…

Back to “My [Non-Offensive] “Grocer and Writer” Pieces”

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