I am a Hopeless Romantic (Written on August 13 2016 [Though I Cannot Prove it])

Ever since the young age of only seven, I have been a hopeless romantic. I didn’t know to call myself that until I was told so by a family member when I was 16. The driving force behind this is unknown to me, but I’m glad it’s there.

So at the age of seven, I used to imagine what I would do when I grew up. Many thought I would be either a chef or a policeman. However, in the back of my mind I fantasized about myself writing the storyline for a cartoon. It entailed a knight coming to rescue a young damsel from a dragon or other similar beast. I am sure there was plenty of influence from what was aired on children’s television during the animation rennisance of the 1990’s. Now I never once revealed this memory to anyone before. In fact this is the first time I mention it, aside from the draft of this piece I wrote in a composition book.

Back in 1994 very few households had Internet access. YouTube wouldn’t have been invented for another eleven years. This meant that the main source of children’s entertainment media was either through cable or broadcast television and VHS tapes. Children’s television seemed to be more satisfying and genuine back in those days, though. In fact as a grown adult, I can still get on YouTube and watch those old shows with undivided attention. Also video game systems weren’t as detailed and interactive as they are now, so they too eventually became boring. I would say that Millenials spent much more time outside than the following, current generation.

I remember my parents watched As the World Turns from 1986 (a year before I was born) until 1997 and then from 2003 until it was cancelled in 2010. As a young child I hated watching that show, but stayed in the room many times while it was on. I’m wondering if staying in the room inspired my hopeless romantic feelings at least on the subconscious level. Also my granparents always had the CBS soap operas (including ATWT) ever since I’ve known myself and they didn’t stop watching until I along with my siblings and cousins were in their house and there was a sex scene being shown. This was some time in 1997 and our ages ranged from five to ten. So, after that, my grandparents quit watching all of the soap operas.

Being a hopeless romantic naturally meant that even as a young child, I was girl crazy. I experienced my first kiss at the age of eight, in fact. My peers recognized this almost immediately and some would tease but others would encourage. School officials detested it and I think it was the cause of later persecutions from them that would follow, until I transferred schools between seventh and eighth grade.

I began to surpress these hopeless romantic feelings around the age of eleven and God I wish I hadn’t. They would resurface from time to time and gradually became stronger around the age of fourteen when I allowed them back in. I was medicated on and off from ages twelve to sixteen and then constantly from seventeen onward.

Throughout all of grade school we were forced to write stories for English class. I usually half ass wrote them as I felt all this writing was either punish work or busy work or a combination of the two. I just did what I had to in order to get by.

After transferring schools, I did still did endure some persecution, but not from school officials. Rather it was from peers. Eighth graders can be very cruel. Then, around freshman year I eventually became accepted and even liked, though every now and then there was conflict. Also there was much going on in my head stemming from medication or lack therof, various emotions and feelings, conflicts, friendships, love interests and just being young. Up until that point, I had hated writing. But then on the evening April 10 2003, I was lying awake in bed with so much cycling throughout my being. I got up and logged onto the family computer, played music through my headphones and wrote my first story. I was about two teenage lovers whom were mowed down in a school shooting. The next day there was at least one school shooting in Louisiana and possibly another one if I remember hearing the news correctly. I have semi-accurately predicted certain events in both my personal life and in the news through my writing. I do NOT claim to be a prophet in any sense and probably it was just a coincidence that happened multiple times. But ever since that evening in April of 2003, I have been writing. Most of my stories are love stories, that is true, but every now and then I do write other genres.

I did show some of my early stories to classmates and I would even tell them out loud during in school during times when there was little or no work being mandated. I got mixed emotions as a result. I got laughs from the guys for the comic relief and tears mostly from the girls who were touched about the love my characters expressed for each other. Most definitely, mission accomplished is what I can say about those reactions. I would also post the stories on a secret webpage and would get mostly positive reactions from the readers. The audience was mostly other teens, usually female, and there have been many online relationships that came and went from barely more than the simple provoking of their emotions.

I can be credited with the quote “The ability to provoke emotions is a wonderful gift.”

I know for a fact that the written word is powerful. I liken it to music and visual art as far as causing emotions to overtake the mind and sometimes body. I now know that I must be careful how I use the written word and be careful about who sees my writing.

My cover was almost blown during an English class in late April of 2003. It was right before Easter Break and I was working on a composition which impressed the teacher. She had asked if I did this “for fun.” I was speechless. She then pulled up my personal webpage on the computer in front of the whole class. Thank God though, that my stories were not posted on my personal webpage, but rather on one that wasn’t immediately linked with my name or any other such identification. This could have been a potential crisis for the simple fact that the first story, as I said before, involved two teen lovers being mowed down in a school shooting. That could have had me expelled and possibly arrested or at least commited because of the zero tolerance policies of modern society. Fortunately, soon after, the bell rang and I rushed to my next class.

In the summer of 2003, I revealed to several family members that I wrote love stories. One of them called me a “hopeless romantic.” I felt that description fit me well, hence me writing this piece.

During that wonderful summer I wrote many things, listened to powerful music and meditated on various subjects. This really caused my creativity to flourish. I only have a few of the pieces that I wrote during that time period and one day I might rewrite them and make them better. Even before I was a foamer, I did indeed write a story about two teenage runaways who decided to sneak onto a train and get away from all the troubles and pressures in their lives. Naturally they soon fell in love.

In the spring of 2004, I had actually walked to the very place where I imagined that that aforementioned story took place (Schriever, Louisiana.) I stayed there a while and meditated on my story. Then a huge freight train came. It was the first time I saw a train up close. The train caused the ground to shake and the locomotive whistle, when sounded, made everything in my hands vibrate as well. Now I had been fascinated by trains as a child, but for the longest time, I had forgotten about them. The interest was briefly reignited in February of 2003 when I discovered that I could hear about railroad operations on my scanner, but that is another story. It wasn’t until October of 2011 that I became fully interested in trains like I am now (2016.) Okay enough about trains, Eric John, after all they are not what this piece is [primarily] about. Whatever you say, E.J. God I’m talking to myself and answering myself, in writing. Yes, I only wanted to add a little humor.

In the fall of 2003 I briefly started watching ATWT with my parents, but I didn’t watch the said show religiously until the summer of 2004. I had figured out that soap operas are the perfect shows for a hopeless romantic such as myself. I’ve also been known to [briefly] watch Passions in the summer of 2005 and then later The Young and The Restless from 2014 to 2015. However, because of spiritual convictions, I quit watching soap operas altogether. This happened in May of 2015. Now before I continue let me clarify: I am NOT saying that everyone needs to quit watching soap operas. However I feel the need to quit, because I personally get addicted to them and sometimes they become obsessions. In the fall of 2004 I had a teacher who asked everyone in class what they wanted to be doing in the next ten years. I said writing my own soap opera. Well that dream has yet to come true and it’s been over ten years, almost twelve to be exact. However, I have written a few teen and young adult dramas, but none are actually published.

Also in the summer of 2004 I got saved and therefore became a Christian. This was and still is definitely the best thing that ever happened to me, though I don’t always show it. Amidst all of the bad things going on in my life at the time, this event was truly an anchor that held everything in place and also a beacon that guided everything safely. Unfortunately by March of 2005, I began to backslide.

From late 2004 all the way to December 2005, my writing, while still a little present, had become stagnant. I blame it on a medication that didn’t work right. This medication flattened my emotions and prevented me from feeling any pleasure. However, I did briefly write something in April 2005 which was inspired by the video game series “Harvest Moon.” Then again in July 2005, I began to write a drama that took place on the ficticious Archangel Island. It was a continuation of something I began in January of 2004. Writing was extremely difficult during this time due to the lack of emotions and pleasure.

Then in December of 2005, I began working on a religiously charged story. I would like to believe that this was the first story I created that was written better than all previous ones. It was also one of the longest stories I ever wrote. Unfortunately it was extremely anti Christian, because at the time, I was a severely backslidden Christian. It is a shame what a human being is capable of under ill motivations. Eventually I repented little by little and at last destroyed all copies of it in my posession, but I’m wondering how many hard drives around the world still have it on them. This is because I had shared it with many people from 2006 until 2008 or 2009.

In January of 2006 I had a medicine change and all I can say is that it was like a fleshly rebirth. Almost immediately my emotions were no longer flat and I could be feel pleasure again. That miracle drug by the way is known as Geodon, of which I still use over ten years later. There were other medications I tried during that ten year period, but I always find myself coming back to Geodon. This new lease on life had given me the ability to be very creative and lively. I credit this to Geodon’s brightening effect. Not long afterwards, I created a video game series, which was definitely not of God and so I too destroyed it as well. I was still severely backslidden in 2006 and I didn’t begin to recover until the fall of 2008. What I am most thankful for is that God did NOT give up on me and patiently waited for me to come back to Him. Not only did He wait, but He also used varying methods to gradually draw me back to Him. This whole experience enforces my belief in the doctrine of “Eternal Security” also known as “Once Saved, Always Saved.”

From 2007 and definitely until 2013, but also into the present I began writing love stories with a ulterior motive-exposing false religion and [sometimes] preaching the true Gospel. However I question my effectiveness of the latter and it sometimes troubles me. I rarely try to expose false religion on social media, but I would like to think I present the Gospel to a lost world on sites like Facebook. There is always definitely room for improvement.

I got married in January of 2010 to a girl I had known for three years. We had both seen heartbreak in our lives and I guess we were ready for commitment. We were in a romantic relationship since the day we met and just six days later she stated that she wanted to marry me. We began lving together less than a month after meeting each other. Yes, this too was a result of being backslidden. I had met her while working for a grocery company, but the first time I saw her was as a child (we were both nine) at another grocery store, one town over. Unfortunately, being a child in the 1990’s before everyone had cell phones and even fewer had Internet access, we had few ways of keeping in touch and I never approached her. We probably wouldn’t have gotten along at the time anyway. After we married I began working for another grocer (after several failure of other jobs.) I guess grocery work is the only thing I’m good at. The same girl (now woman) I’m married to hates most of my writing and that tears me up. However, she does put up with my quirks and bad habbits. I know I’m very far from being a perfect husband, even despite being a hopeless romantic. Unfortunately as of January 2018, my marriage is breaking up and we plan to file for divorce…

In the summer of 2011 and into 2012 I began working on a futuristic dystopian story. It takes place in New Orleans after the second American civil war. New Orleans is now Nazi Orleans, due to the party in control of the city. There are two lovers who fantasize about bygone times and plan to escape. However they are caught then released by a sympathetic policewoman. Sadly though, my female character dies from her injuries caused by her arrest and a pre existing condition. Consumed by grief, my male character blows his brains out. This story came to me in a dream back in February of 2003, about two months before I actually began writing. I consider this dream to have an influence on what prompted me to begin writing, as I had meditated on it countless times.

Between 2012 and early 2013 I continued my love stories which also expose false religion. I had them put together in a group know as PDA or Public Displays of Affection. This name comes from the false religious system that persecutes anyone engaging in the said behavior on any of its property.

I haven’t listed all of the stories, because some I don’t remember and others I’m too ashamed of myself for writing. I do plan to keep writing unless something hinders it. I don’t know if anything could actually hinder the entire process, but it’s not a good idea to tempt fate. I only hope and pray that I will always be able to write and hopefully my writing remains romantic, but at the same time doesn’t offend God.

Currently, I’m working on several different stories, some old, some new. Some I am willing to share, others I realize are either offensive or not believable. I’ve also written some essays on varying topics, which are generally less offensive than my fiction.

I hope this piece has been at least informative and will shine a light into my mind and allows the reader to see how it mostly works.

2 thoughts on “I am a Hopeless Romantic (Written on August 13 2016 [Though I Cannot Prove it])

  1. I don’t even know the way I stopped up right here, but I assumed this
    publish used to be good. I do not know who you are but certainly you are going
    to a well-known blogger if you are not already. Cheers!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well, thank you very much for your encouragement. I am in need of it during this difficult time of my life. If you liked what you saw, maybe refer my blog to your friends, family and colleagues.

      Like

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